Honesty
Hot tears roll down my cold cheeks and it suddenly seems like nothing is working out. My belly holds a life that is growing without me even thinking about it but my own life seems to require lot of thought and action, too much thought and not enough action if i'm being honest about it. The 'What ifs?' and 'I can'ts' plague me daily and follow me around, refusing to leave.
The first three months of being pregnant left me with a dread that is taking too long to go away. I don't dread this baby. In fact, something akin to love is developing with this little human i don't even know. What i dreaded was the constant nausea and the trips to the bathroom or the kitchen sick. I dreaded falling asleep at 3am and waking up at 2 pm the next day, feeling completely disoriented and sick and a lesser version of my former self. I reluctantly went to sleep at night knowing what was in store for me the next morning. When at 14 weeks, the nausea went away and i could manage to leave the house without a sick bag by my side, i felt a sense of relief- maybe now i could finally enjoy being pregnant. But the body takes time to recover. After not being able to keep much food or water down the first three months, i now felt hungry all the time. Hungry and tired and emotional. I feared that there would be something wrong with the baby. Every trip to the midwife's office left my heart racing. Some days, i found it easy to listen to the voice that was gentle and reassuring, the voice that told me the baby was going to be just fine. Other days, i could only focus on every thing that could go wrong.
In the shower, i stroke my belly and know that i will love this baby with a love that cannot be described; a love that wants the best for this child; a love that wants to hold and protect and reassure and kiss and feed and change and make better. I know this will happen because i feel it taking root in my heart. But today, i wanted to be honest with you and myself and not feel ashamed of the way i feel. I am not exuberant with joy. What i am is expectant and fearful and tired and emotional and grumpy and grateful.
